Indiana Custodial Rights Advocates

Discipline is the training that develops self-control or orderliness and efficiency. Good discipline should be a positive force focusing on what a child is allowed to do.

Punishment is the imposition of a penalty for a wrongdoing. Often times these words are incorrectly use synonymously and punishment is used in place of discipline which will produce two opposite and diametrically opposed results.

The suppressive effect of punishment is of value only if acceptable alternative actions are taught while the undesirable behavior is held in check. Punishment has little coercive effect if not administered at the time the undesirable behaviour is exhibited. When used as an exclusive discipline tool, punishment can have harmful effects on the child and is not effective at discipline.

When punishment is used then the responsibility for discipline is removed from the child and transferred to the person administering the punishment. The child encounters no consequence other that the limitations imposed by the person imposing the punishment. Thus, a child learns that the behaviour is acceptable as long as she is not caught. Physical punishment can result in a child feeling that a larger person can have control over a smaller one through force. Severe punishment can lead to resentment, counter aggression, humiliation and, when not carefully administered, even the death of a child. Punishment as a sole discipline tool does not have a dissuasive effect and can actually encourage the behaviour with the child being challenged to not get caught. Punishment should not be used in instances beyond the child's control, such as bedwetting, or when the action is truly accidental or from common carelessness.

Discipline requires greater effort on the part of both parent and child. It is a complex procedure that must be adhered to for effectiveness. The expectations of the child must be clearly established just as the consequences should be. Mild punishment, such as no television for the day, may be used in conjunction with remedial discipline. The children who are wrestling or running in the house and knock over something onto the carpet may have to help clean the carpet an then go without television for the remainder of the day. It should be explained at the time that this is the reason that running or wrestling in that area is not allowed.

Bribery should not be used to induce good behaviour but rewards should be plentiful when good behaviour is exhibited. Following is a list of additional principles that should be used in place of punishment to instill roper discipline.

· Always be consistent with your methods and consequences.
· Let the child express her feelings.
· Provide guidance for the child and do not allow her to regulate what is acceptable behaviour.
· Be calm when instilling discipline. Talk calmly and rationally. Take time for you or the child to calm down if needed.
· Do nor threaten, use sarcasm, humiliate or unnecessarily nag the child.
· Reward successes and give praises for effort. In the real world not everyone is a winner. Teaching this to your child at a young age will bolster success.
· Let the child provide input on what a non-punitive consequence that is related and proportional to the undesirable behaviour is.
· Make sure you provide plenty of attention to your child. If the only meaningful time you spend together is when the child misbehaves then your child will misbehave.
· Be a role model for your child to emulate. Your child, even teens, want to please you and will model their behaviour after you.
· Express expectations in the positive. Tell what behaviour is expected not a 'do not' list.
· Give the children acceptable choices. Empower them with the ability to make decisions that will have some consequence, good or bad.
· Allow the child to have needed autonomy over some of her decisions when appropriate.
· Make sure all expectations are reasonable and that the child is capable with prudent effort to accomplish them.
· Do not allow your household to be chaotic.
· Never shame your child or make them feel unimportant or worthless.
· Accept that part of maturation is to test the limits and boundaries. Do not take this as a rejection of you or your ways.
· Make sure that the child knows she can tell you about a mistake without fear of punishment.
· Provide an environment that is conducive to doing homework and is not stressful on the child. Arguing parents, other noisy children or being rushed can minimize the effectiveness of home study.
· Be prepared to stand firm regardless of the temptations to give in.
· Stop a behaviour before it is allowed to get to the point of pushing you over the edge.
· Provide a loving and nurturing environment for your children.
· Be accepting of your child unconditionally but do not tolerate unacceptable behaviours.
· Never demand obedience because you are the elder. Show that your wisdom and experience provides good guidance but be open to your child's ideas.
If you ever feel overwhelmed or unable to care for your child never be afraid or too proud to ask for help.